if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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