My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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