the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
