This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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