Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
