Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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