you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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