I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
