I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
