he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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