we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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