dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
