five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
