I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
