I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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