Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
