nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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