I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize