How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
