Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
