I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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