we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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