Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize