worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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