You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
