I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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