I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
