census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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