Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
