i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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