She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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