Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
