I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
