I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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