She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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