Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
