apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
