the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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