yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
