Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I pour the whiskey from now on
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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