I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I believe in your delicious
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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