And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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