I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
