How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize