My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You dont lie about slip and slides
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
