i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
