I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
