The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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