Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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