Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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