I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
not ubering you a puppy
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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