Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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