I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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