Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize