this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Holy sore nipples Batman
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
