Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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