i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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