It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
