New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize