dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
